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The Root of Mental Health Struggles
“The Ten Needs”
In this article you’ll learn where 99% of mental health symptoms come from and my goal is to illustrate this as clearly and simple as possible.
Personally, I have spent most of my adult life running around trying to:
fix myself
feel better (get out of pain)
connect with people by ‘looking good’
build an impressive ‘life resume’
avoid my deep hurts
be really, really nice
be really spiritual
control how others view me
avoid confrontation
…and a lot of other things that kept me from living an satisfactory life.
When I learned about cPTSD (Complex Trauma, childhood trauma) everything began to make sense. I was finally able to see and understand why I am the way I am.
I now understand why:
I always quit things important to me
I lacked grit and perseverance
I self sabotaged
being nice was more important than speaking my truth
alcohol and porn were so enticing to me
I had minimal solid friendships (despite having charisma)
I struggled with impulse control and craved instant gratification
rules and boundaries were scary
and on and on
Having said all of that, here are the biggest challenges we face in getting to the root of our problems and actually healing:
Most of us believe that if we’re in a funk, it’s because of the circumstances. So we change the circumstances and after a while we learn that this doesn’t work.
Most of us are in denial that there’s anything wrong because we are desensitized to the symptoms. We’ve felt this way all our life. It’s become normal.
Also, there are deep grooves in the brain (deep habits) supporting these negative conditions, so the times we have tried to change, we eventually quit because it was too hard.
We’re in denial or we are ignorant to the origin of our problems, most of society is too, so we think it’s normal to numb, be distracted, blame the world and seek short term pleasure over long term commitments.
OK enough backstory, here’s the meat!
Every human being is born with 10 needs
And to the degree that those needs are met (by the parents or primary caregivers), is the degree that that person can be a healthy adult; which means they have the tools and skills to manage their own life.
I will list those needs in a moment. First, I want to highlight the point that our struggles are literally from the quality of parenting we received, so check this out:
There is a book used by psychologists called The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. This book is almost 1000 pages and 11" thick. It outlines 300 mental illnesses including anxiety, depression, addiction, people-pleasing, etc (things most people deal with).
Renowned traumatologist, John Briere PHD, is quoted as saying, “If Complex PTSD were ever given its due - that is, if the role of dysfunctional parenting in adult psychological disorders were ever fully recognized, the DSM would shrink to the size of a thin pamphlet.”
Let that sink in. A massive book listing all the known mental health conditions would shrink to a few pages because 99% of it could simply be described as “a result of Childhood Trauma” or faulty parenting.
Right now, most people think of quality parenting as “the kids have a warm bed, plenty of food and there’s no physical or sexual abuse happening.”
In reality, the quality of parenting can be measured by “To what degree are the children’s 10 needs being met?”
OK, here are the 10 needs all humans are born with.
As you read each item on the list, picture your childhood and ask yourself if the need was met or not, and to what degree.
In a healthy home, the child:
1. feels safe (walking on eggshells means not safe)
2. feels connected to the parents: emotionally & physically
3. feels understood; the parents are genuinely curious about the child
4. feels valued and validated (for simply being alive, warts and all)
5. feels loved and is actively nurtured
6. is encouraged to be authentic (all parts are accepted)
7. grows in control of personal life (boundaries expand slowly over time)
8. understands healthy boundaries (over time… most kids resist at times)
9. is encouraged to speak their Truth (parents encourage ‘think for yourself’ WHILE maintaining boundaries)
10. is taught to resolve negative emotions (and the parents model this)
This doesn’t mean perfection. All parents make mistakes and nobody escapes childhood unscathed.
The general guideline is that in a healthy childhood the kid is feeling mostly positive emotions 80% of the time. And when they are hurting, they feel safe to go to their parents for comfort, nurturing, reassurance and counsel.
(That is how they learn to resolve negative emotions)
In an unhealthy home
When our needs are not met, the brain sees this as a threat to survival so it releases cortisol to give strength and energy to resolve the situation.
So the child gets stressed (cortisol), goes to the parents, then is told “you’re too loud, sensitive, emotional, etc” or maybe the parents are overwhelmed and simply can’t connect. In so many words the brain hears, “not now, go away”.
If this happens enough times, the kids’ brain learns the parents aren’t safe and there’s no resolution to be found there.
But the cortisol keeps flowing and while the brain can handle occasional trauma (aka simple trauma), it was not designed to handle trauma over long periods of time (complex trauma).
This long term cortisol release causes brain damage and the resulting anxiety is stored in the body and it does not go away on its’ own. This is one of the ways adults are still suffering from what happened in childhood.
Another downside is that the child stops seeking resolution.
It seems hopeless, so they learn to be resigned or to seek unhealthy coping mechanisms (cutting, sexual dysfunctions, addictions, escapism, shortcuts, people pleasing, codependency, etc).
Does this sound far-fetched or irrational?
Keep in mind that kids do not have a developed adult brain (cortex) which deals in rationality, logic and delayed gratification.
Children have their childs’ brain (limbic) which is the emotional center and has the message “I want what I want right now” and usually what they want is to feel better.
Children naturally want resolution and at first they naturally go to the parents to get it.
If they can’t feel better by going to a parent, their brains get creative.
Something else to keep in mind; children are narcissists by nature. This doesn’t mean they are evil, it means everything is about them and is another characteristic of the limbic brain.
If a child is being abused (including parents withholding love, nurturing, respect or validation), the child makes it all about them and asks, “what’s wrong with me?”
And they will find an answer. This is the development of shame:
I’m a burden
I’m not wanted or loved
I’m worthless, etc
In a Healthy Home
In a perfect world, when a child leaves home, they will have a healthy understanding of:
their emotions: the ability to regulate their own emotions and handle the emotions of others
boundaries: the ability to handle their own needs before others’ (putting their own oxygen mask on first)
Self discipline: delayed gratification - slowly over time, as their adult brain developed, they were given more responsibilities to practice grit and experience the natural high that comes with goal attainment
Conflict Resolution: they are comfortable with conflict and have the skills and tools to resolve it and/or asking for help
Relationships: they are practiced in connecting with others and can relate sincerely, intimately and vulnerably when appropriate. They recognize red flags and naturally choose close friends accordingly
Comfortable in their own skin: they were validated for simply being alive as opposed to things they can’t control (beauty, athleticism, IQ, sense of humor, etc)
Finances: They grasp “earn money, spend less than you earn, save some, invest the rest, repeat and retire young” (the practice of delayed gratification with money)
What now?
If I did my job well, you can see how most of our issues in life actually come from childhood.
We will always have ‘problems’ in life; stuff like deaths, divorces, taxes, and all the things. We’re not talking about problems going away, we’re talking about resolving our childhood trauma so we can develop the skills and tools to face life’s problems as a mature adult.
If we genuinely want to resolved these issues, we need to get to the root of the problem.
The root of our problems is that we were innocent & completely dependent little kids whose needs were not met.
The root of our problems is unresolved unmet needs.
If you want to learn more about this topic in general, here are a few options:
Educate yourself with a book. Message me and I can recommend a few of the best.
Check out videos on Youtube by Tim Fletcher: This is where I began my journey of discovery and you’ll probably notice similar language and ideas as found in this article.
I work with people 1:1 as well as in group settings, mostly answering questions and helping people begin their focused healing journey. Schedule a free phone call with THIS link.
Blessings!
Kyle Nordwall